Make A Decision Already!!!

    People in my position can often be terribly indecisive. I attribute this to the constant stream of "tic messages" being sent to and from my brain, OCD, and sensory processing issues. This is something I've struggled with all my life and had to have coaching in growing up.
    This issue can be rather irritating for those in one's company, but what they don't realize is that it's also irritating, painful, and often embarrassing for you. Allow me to paint a picture: I walk up to the counter at Panera Bread. There's so many tasty choices. I have certain self-imposed restrictions or road blocks such as: certain things are better to have for lunch than dinner and vice versa; I had A for breakfast, so I need to have B for lunch to balance it out. Those are the basics. Then there's: I had A last time I was here, so do I have it again or do I have B, or the new something C? Take out the one that seems least favorable. I then decide whether or not I want "something new" or something I've had before The "something new" sounds really good, but will I like it and what about the thing I've had before? I already know I like it and I don't know when the next time I come here will be or what I'll be in the mood for then! I can feel the pressure from the waiting cashier and my dining companion (if one is present) to make a decision. They might as well have thought bubbles over their heads saying, "Just pick something already!"
    This is just one instance where I'm required to make a decision and experience mental "Shoots and Ladders" in the process. This happens in shopping, running errands, and just everyday tasks. With those I'm comfortable with, I will freely ask their opinion. Sometimes it's because of indecisiveness and other times it's simply because I genuinely value what they have to say. However, when one has a reputation of being indecisive, sometimes people can't tell the difference. They have their issues they're dealing with and sometimes their indecisive themselves. I do realize this and sympathize. Sometimes I think it's funny that I have this issue, because when someone asks for my opinion on something they're waffling about, I don't always have trouble helping them choose. This is partially due to objectivity and the disconnect. Now if I could only apply that to myself...

Pressures of Being An Adult

    As a child I couldn't really identify with this statement. It wasn't that I couldn't see the people who didn't accept me for who I am, I simply wouldn't. Now as an adult, it seems that I notice people's disapproval more and more, not to mention, the pressure I put on myself to be an upstanding, accomplished adult. I hide some of my tics around family members fearful of disapproval or misunderstanding. As I've mentioned in the past my immediate family has always been very supportive, but sometimes even around them I get self conscious, because "watching your back" is a hard thing to turn off. I hide many more in public these days. Part of this, I think, results in a change in the way I feel about myself. As humans change is only natural. I feel as if I've entered a new stage in my life and the pressure to do certain things and be a certain way have only increased.
    I recently started a new job and did not convey to my boss that I have Tourette Syndrome. Usually I do, but this time I want things to be different. A few days after I began working there we had a night where things were rather quiet and as you may or may not know, when it's quiet those of us with TS always feel the need to fill that silence with our vocal tics. The urge was so overwhelming that I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. The next day I broke down in tears telling my mum and sister what had happened and how I felt about it. Every day, I'm worried that my tic cycle will get worse or my individual tics will be so terribly obvious that someone will take notice.
    This concerns me because I believe they will not want to give a promotion to someone who seems, in their eyes, to have a disability, that they will see it as a weakness. Also, I have experienced discrimination and humiliation in past jobs due to my tics.
    As always I'm experiencing new and different tics all the time. Just when I've adjusted to one, another one joins the club. I worry that when I tell people that my urge to throw my pen, phone, or other object onto the floor is just a tic, they won't believe me. They'll think I'm just making trouble. After all, I'm an adult and adults don't do things like that or make sounds that sound like the beginnings of temper tantrum which in reality is merely stress coming out in the form of a vocal tic.