I have Tourette
Syndrome. It's this funny neurological disorder where my brain tells my body to
make random movements and sounds. I don't need to be "fixed" or even
fully understood, just accepted and loved. By nature I'm not someone who easily
blends in anyway, but add in the enigma that is Tourette's and sometimes it
feels like being under a constant spotlight and not a welcomed one at that.
Sometimes I worry about how people will react from new acquaintances, to
friends, to... well sometimes even family members.
It's not a widely known disorder and as I said it's very random. Generally people
get up in the morning and, for the most part, know what to expect of their
bodies. I, and anyone like me, get up in the morning and wonder what my
workaholic brain has in store for me today. Am I going to stick my tongue out
at people or cross my eyes? Will my appendages, head, or torso jerk in some
spasmodic manner? Will I have any vocal tics, like screaming or squeaking, and
if so, how loud will they be and long will they last?
If I were a
machine, I’d be an escalator. I tic and tic and the more I let out the stronger
they get. I might start out with a few vocal tics, some squeaks here and there,
but they get louder and more frequent. I might start out with some slight knee
jerks, a flick of the wrist, or a contraction in my arm, but soon I’m spazzing
like lightning. Before I know what is happening I’m doing squats and fighting
the urge to fall on the floor as if I'm experiencing a fainting spell.
I
fight the urge not only because it would be embarrassing and possibly painful,
but also because I think of all the germs that come from people’s shoes and how
it would get on my clothes and hair. This is one of the few times I am thankful
for OCD.
I’m walking
through the store chirping away like a bird and my knees start to take turns jolting
backward into a locked position. Once completed, I move on for a few more steps
before one of my arms lurches out to the side and my knees temporarily stop me
from taking another step. Is anyone staring? Do they think I’m a freak or just
a spaz who likes to call attention to herself?’
As
I get ready to eat my dinner, I get this sensation in my legs that feels like I’m
being continuously pelted with rain droplets. It creeps up my body and all I
can do is sit there and let a few tics out at a time so that I don’t explode like
an overinflated balloon.
I
crawl into bed at night longing for the sweet reprieve that sleep will bring
from the constant battering of scrolling messages being sent from my brain to
all parts of my nervous system. My body seems to understand that my bed is a
safe place to tic. With the likelihood of injury lessened, my head starts to
jerk and my eyes roll back in my head. After a few shakes, the tic still doesn’t
feel right. So I shake more and
harder, still nothing. Finally, I sit up and my head shakes as hard and fast as
it possibly can. It's as if I can feel my brain hitting my skull. Now it “feels” right. I lay back down only for the urge to start
again. After a few rounds of this and some complex motor tics where the rest of
me joins my head in this weird dance, I am able to fight the urge enough to
sleep.
